Ruminating on Roommates
By Lauren Salamone
You've been at school about two months now. It's generally wise to live with your roommates at least this long before you make any changes.
But what do you think so far?
Are you getting along? Have you figured out how to keep things positive so that everyone is pretty much content? Let's face it -- settling into a tiny cubicle of living space with a stranger (or strangers) is no piece of cake. But with the right strategy, you can usually make it work. Not always, but usually.
A student I know had a roommate her freshmen year with whom she had nothing in common. Their backgrounds, interests, and tastes were completely different. But what they both realized as time went on was that their living styles were perfectly compatible. They ended up rooming together for all four years!
You never know for sure what will happen.
In the meantime, here are a few suggestions that may prove very useful as you continue adjusting to life with your roommate(s):
1) Set guidelines -- If you haven't already done so, set up rules that you and your roommate(s) will live by. Discuss how you will handle borrowing clothes, buying food, having friends over, keeping late versus early hours, cleaning(!), studying in the room. Agreeing to some set guidelines gives you something definitive to fall back on when a conflict arises. ("Remember we agreed that we wouldn't eat the food in the fridge that the other person bought? Well, I bought those Twinkies that you just polished off.")
2) Try to be a good roommate --Take a step back from time-to-time and think about what YOU are like to live with. Sometimes we complain about what our roommate is doing that bugs us without thinking about whether it might be the other way around as well. You know, if your roommate seems like an oddball to you, it's possible you may seem a tad strange to her, too! Try to put yourself in the other person's shoes once in a while.
3) Be prepared to compromise -- Roommate relationships have their ups and downs; that's the rule, not the exception. So it really helps to EXPECT to have to compromise. In fact, you pretty much need to be in a constant state of compromise when you're living with roommates, especially in a tiny dorm room. That's not a bad thing; it's just a mind set.
4) Try not to let issues snowball -- Do try to speak up sooner rather than later when trouble arises. I know it can be tempting to hold things inside and not make waves. But you'll find it's easier to resolve an issue when it first arises rather than waiting until it builds into something much bigger! (However, if the problem has to do with your roommate being drunk or high, DO WAIT to pursue it until that person is sober and able to discuss the issue with a clear head -- and hopefully with an open mind.)
5) Blame the problem, not the person -- When you're discussing an issue that is bothering you, try to choose words that describe the situation itself as being troublesome rather than your roommate being the problem. For example, perhaps your roommate is coming home late at night, turning on the lights and creating a ton of noise, making it difficult for you to sleep. Rather than saying, "YOU are causing me to miss my 8AM class." Say, "the lights coming on at 2AM are causing me to miss my 8AM class."
6) Avoid holding grudges -- Make a deal right away that you will forgive and forget once a problem has been discussed and dealt with. Remember your goal is to learn to live well together so that both of your lives will be better for it!
7) Strive for mutual respect -- You may or may not end up good friends with your roommate. And you may or may not have a lot in common with each other. It really doesn't matter either way. You can still be great roommates. You just need to respect each other as well as each other's space and stuff.
When things just aren't working out, no matter what you do,
you have two choices:
1) Stick it out -- Realize that it's just temporary. The year will end, and you'll never have to live with that person again.
2) Get out -- speak to your RA and continue to pursue a change until you get it. Sometimes a situation is just too challenging to tolerate.
Consider this advice from a first-year student who has already had to make a change this year due to an intolerable roommate situation:
"Try to be considerate of your roommates and respect their differences, but don't lose touch with who you are. If your roommates expect you to change in order to satisfy them, then you know you have a problem. Never let anyone make you change yourself completely."
This resourceful young lady, who was being kept awake every night by her roommates, tried to compromise. When it became abundantly clear that her roommates were not willing to compromise in return, she spoke to her RA...who sent her to the Area Coordinator...who sent her to the Assistant Director of Housing. The result? She is now happily living in a new room with a new roommate.
So do your best to work things out. However, if the situation is intolerable, don't stop until you make a change. Remember, the goal here is to have you LOVE college!
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© 2010 Lauren Salamone, College Guidance Guru
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If Only Roomates Were 
Sometimes it really does pay to stick it out with your roomie. Consider what this Boston College senior has to say when she reflects on her roommate challenges from her freshman year:
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